People look at me funny these days.  They can’t figure me out.  I kinda like it. Makes me feel mysterious.  I’m not hiding anything, usually.  (ha ha, just kidding). The only things I hide are my thoughts, sometimes.  The conversations I have with myself, healthy ones, where the thoughts make me giggle.

There was a time in my life where I relied on other people to provide my happiness. It was treacherous.  Unreliable. Messy.

I was in pieces.  The pieces were everywhere, with everyone.  The way people treated me determined how I felt. Never whole, always fragmented.

If I were my Raggedy Ann doll, my hair would’ve been frayed, my clothes ripped, dirty, and hanging off of me.  That doll would go anywhere, and do anything to be accepted.

Looking in the mirror, I was missing parts. I lent them out to people who I thought would love me.  They never did.

Eventually, I stopped looking in the mirror.

Until recently.

I took them back.  All of my pieces, frayed hair, ripped clothes, lost parts.  I walked back through the moments, stood boldly, wore my newfound confidence, and… just… took them back.  Amazingly, I did not experience any conflict.  No one fought me.

Once everything was back in its place, I tiptoed toward the mirror.  I popped my head into just the corner of the mirror, and then my whole face, neck, torso, arms, legs, feet…. It was all there.  Whole.

I breathed in every piece, filled my lungs with, um, happiness? Peace? Whatever it is, it felt amazing.

Miraculously, instantly, I realized that I no longer had to rely on other people to feel true happiness.

Everything I need to be happy is inside of me.

I went on a long journey to figure this out.

The road was paved with pain, heartbreak, defeat, and suffering.  Until… I surrendered.

I left it all behind.

Now, the road is paved with strength, peace, wholeness that I see in the mirror, and happiness.

True happiness that wells up and bursts out of me.

It causes me to smile more often.  I used to smile out of obligation, or as a learned response.  Now, I smile first, because I don’t mind if it’s not returned.  I smile because it makes me feel good to smile.  I like how it can transform people.  It is contagious.

Sometimes, I even smile when someone looks angry, just in case it will break through their unhappiness.

I smile because I know that I won’t run out of them.  An endless love flows out over me, from a creator that made me on purpose.

Unique. Just the way I am.  For a specific purpose.

I haven’t figured out what the exact purpose is yet.  I’m learning that everything that has happened along the way has shaped me.  I’m eager to fall in to that purpose, but I am waiting patiently for clarity.

I’ll keep being mysterious.  I like it.

Emotionally healthy.

Has a nice ring to it.

Happiness…

I hit a wall.

My toes, and my nose, also smashed into the wall, daily.

The path I kept taking, no matter where I entered, ended back at the same wall.

Frustrated, I spoke to myself, (to my harshest critic), and asked her why she is taking me to the same path, that ends at the same wall.

“You aren’t worthy,” she said.

“You have done horrible things,” she said.

“You don’t deserve to find it,” she said.

I closed my eyes.  I tried to see beyond the harsh words that I spoke to myself.

I found myself in an overgrown garden, weeds everywhere.  I pulled on one weed.. the roots were deep.  I yanked harder… the weed stubbornly released itself from the ground.

I heard the roots screaming at me as they left the ground.   They repeated what my harshest critic said.

“Unworthy, horrible, undeserving.”

Their voices grew softer as the roots left the earth.  Softer and softer, until they faded completely.

I continued to pull the weeds from the overgrown garden.  Each weed, each yanked root, set me free.

My harshest critic was quieted.  Finally.

I looked around, at what used to be the overgrown garden, and saw a new path.

I took one step onto the new path, leery of what might lie ahead, and leery of the wall hitting me in the nose.

It felt different this time.

My harshest critic was…. REALLY gone? 

Instead of “you are unworthy, you have done horrible things, and you are undeserving,” I heard “You are victorious!, you are free!, and you are loved!”

The new words felt like being wrapped up in a warm, soft, fluffy blanket while skipping along with all of my favorite people holding hands and smiling at each other.

I still can’t see the whole path, and I don’t know if I’ll reach another wall, but I am choosing to trust.

I will keep moving forward with my warm, soft, fluffy blanket, and favorite people by my side.

Life requires us to be ready, at all times, for all the curve balls that life throws at us.

Life requires us to step up to the plate.

Life requires our “A game.”

When I became a single mom, I hid out in the dug out for a year.  I felt ill equipped.  I felt defeated.  I didn’t want to play, and I didn’t know I had an “A game.”

My mom went up to bat for me that year.  She hit every curve ball, ran the bases, and hit home runs with my kids in mind.

She pushed me to get back up, get out of the dug out, and play the game.  She encouraged me to just do what I could, for now, until I was ready for more.  She held me up until then.  She took care of my kids until then.

She knew I had what it took to get back in the game.

When that day came, she handed me the bat.  She smiled that unique smile that held so much love that it felt like a waterfall.  She believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.

I took the bat, stepped up to the plate, and swung.

I got that job, and bought that house, and eventually, became that mom.  The mom who could look at my kids the same way my mom looked at me.  The mom whose heart swelled just by looking at her kids.  The mom who would do anything, including taking all the curve balls, for her kids, for as long as it takes.

The “plate” that used to be intimidating, and overwhelming, is now a mere white square.

I’m on the plate, because of my mom, ready to swing.

Making home runs.

Holding the bat for my kids, preparing them daily, for the moment when they’ll be ready to do the same.

Be ready at all times, for the curve balls.

Believe in people when they aren’t able to see the plate.

Hand them the bat when they are ready.

Step up to the plate.

Mortal bodies. Some people believe that this is it. When they die, there is nothing afterwards. They walk around in their mortal bodies fearing the end. They attempt to live full lives in order to make it all worth it, and to absorb as much from life as possible. They hope, near the end, if they know it’s coming, that they’ve done enough, seen it all, lived well. They have no hope of anything after death.

Others have received a gift. A sacrifice was necessary for the gift to be received. The sacrifice that requested their sacrifice. The gift requires that the gift receiver believes that the sacrifice was for him/her, and that news of that gift is shared.

When the news of the gift is shared, it spreads like a wildfire.

Inside the gift is hope, unconditional love that never ends, and an immortal life. The gift receiver will never die, he/she becomes immortal. The gift receiver also has an ability to speak directly to, and hear from, the gift giver. The gift is free, paid for.

As any gift giver would, this gift giver expects gratitude, and a continued relationship. No one wants to give a gift just to have the receiver say “yea thanks” and walk away.

Immortal life, hope, and an unconditional love that never ends… How could anyone just walk away saying “yea thanks!”?

I received the gift. I wore it like my very own superhero costume. At first, I was flying around, sharing the news that I received it. I felt really special about it, and wanted everyone to know, so they could get their own gift!

Surprisingly, some people didn’t want it. Many people thought I was crazy.

I took off the costume. I hid it. I still knew about the gift I received, and I still believed it most of the time, but I wasn’t excited about it anymore. I lost hope.

The gift giver kept walking beside me, offering hope again. Never giving up.

I started feeling like I did before I received the gift. I walked around with my head down. I didn’t see anything exciting about life. I expected people to provide what only the gift could. I longed for the gift.

As soon as I said those words, in my thoughts, I felt the costume on me. The gift giver must’ve been right next to me, waiting. Never leaving. Endlessly loving.

Most days since then, I feel immortal. Most days, I’m thankful. Most days I have a relationship with the gift giver. Most days, I keep the costume on.

As soon as I take off the costume, I lose hope. Without the costume, I resort to my old ways. Foolishly, I allow my life to get ugly before I realize that I forgot about the gift. Sometimes this process happens several times a day!

The best part is, that the gift giver never asks for the gift back.

Hope, unconditional love, and immortal life.

This week, I was reminded of something I saw when I was 22, and wish I hadn’t. More than not wanting to see it, I wish I could go back and change what I didn’t do.

I worked in a treatment center for troubled teens.  I wanted to save them from the world that hurt them.  I wanted to erase the pain that attached itself to their souls.  It overtook them, and they walked around, drowning. I was young and naive. I thought I could change things.

Saturday night was movie night.  Instead of watching good movies, where  evil loses, the center would let the teens choose.  They chose movies about homicides, drugs, and desperation. How did this make sense to ANYONE? Advocating for what was right, my pleas were dismissed.  Standing strong, as strong as I could at 22 in this darkness, I stayed, and kept trying.  Unfortunately, I grew weary too quickly, and I gave up too soon.  I walked away, affected, scarred. Each one of their names is in my mind, their lives, their pain.  Forever. It felt like I let them down.

Moving on, a new job, another facility.  This time I only last two days.  Instead of being there for them, I walked away, again.  It was just too much.  I was just too young. There was just too much pain.

If I could go back, I would.  To the moments with the teens.  I would give them hope.  I would be strong, to help them through their pain.  I wouldn’t have given up on them.

All grown up now, I realize that pain is everywhere. Sadness. Heartache.  Loss.

We can’t escape it.

Until… the day it’s over.

We have a promise.  Hope.

The sadness, heartache, and pain are all just temporary.  This world is temporary.

When I think about the teens, I try not to see them where I left them.  I try to see them somewhere greater, somewhere that healing took place, somewhere that they found hope.

If we are all here, each one for a uniquely specific purpose, and we seek to fulfill that purpose, we have a mission.  We must look past the pain – acknowledge that it is there, and that it somehow has a purpose, but don’t allow it to devour or overtake us.

We must ask for guidance, and listen for it, eyes wide open.

I stole the best line of a movie.  Oops.

It was just such a revelation to me! I’m not even sure that it’ll mean the same to you that it meant to me.  For me, its about our passions.

I believe that we each have a unique passion, and that our passion is a gift.

If we don’t live out our gift, in our careers, or at least our hobbies, we will be left without “legs.”  Our passion, what we long to do, or be, in life is what drives us.  It IS who we are meant to be.

The actress in the movie was singing songs that were outside of her genre.  She was singing to gain popularity.  She lost her true self in exchange for popularity.

I think we do the same, when choosing a career for the money.  I’ve read several studies that conclude that happiness doesn’t happen unless you are true to your passion.

Success shouldn’t be defined by how much money someone makes.

Students should be encouraged to find their passion, and then seek the path that allows their passion to be alive. Daily.

We shouldn’t be willing to lose our true self, and throw away our gift, just for money.  After all, money is just paper, right? Some of the people who have attained the highest riches have also reached the deepest sadness.

If each one of us is unique, and each of one of us has a unique gift… then each gift is part of the the ultimate purpose!

So, buckle up. Take your unique legs, and jump on the path of your uniquely created purpose!

Living in a false reality, the one where it’s easier to pretend my mistakes never happened, is a lie.

Hiding from my decisions, not facing them, is cowardly.

Walking around in a skin that is plastic, molded by me, is suffocating. The real skin underneath is longing to breathe.

There is a calm before the storm.

My real self is gaining on me.

The things I’ve tried to hide are rising to the surface, presenting themselves, asking for permission to speak.

I’m not ready to face them.

I want them to be hidden from my flesh.

They won’t go away. They keep knocking.

Turning around, frustrated, facing them, I realize how small they are. They beg me to set them free.

How? How do I set you free?

Open the door to your heart. Heal. Allow the Healer to take them from you.

I pictured myself grabbing for the door handle. As I touched it, I felt another hand already there.

We opened the door, together, slowly.

The hidden things burst out. Excited to finally be set free, they ran out, they leapt away.

The hand that held the door handle with me was now holding mine.

He invited me along on a journey. I accepted.

Healing began to settle into the spaces where the hidden things once lived. The spaces became smooth, no longer digging in to my heart.

I started to feel peace.

My eyes saw things, and people, that I used to look beyond.

My heart felt new.

I looked down at my hands, often, because I still felt another in mine.

He would never let go.

My sister met a boy, thirty years ago.  Eventually, he became my big brother.  He gave me welcome, prized advice about paths I should take, who I should (and should NOT) date, where I should go to college, and what my strengths were. He saw things in me that I didn’t see in myself.  I was too lost to see the path I should take.  I was too confused about who I should date.  I was too overwhelmed by too many things I wanted to do, to know where I should go.  I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to see any strengths that were there.  He held out his hand, as my big brother, and I trusted the path he attempted to show me.

It happened to lead toward Ohio.

Columbus, Ohio.

First job, first love, first heartbreak, first line dance lesson. I worked at a daycare, with babies whom I adored.  I went to the community college to take some general classes with hopes of going to Ohio State University with in-state tuition the following year.  I lived with my sister in my first home away from home.  This is where the biggest lessons from my soon-to-be big brother happened.  On the floor, working on college level Algebra, trying to find my way in the midst of my heartbreak.  I can still hear his voice, so clear… “You have to dig deep down inside of you, find out what makes you tick, find out what drives you.  Don’t stop there though.  Reach deeper.  Make sure it is something you’ll be happy doing for the rest of your life.  Make sure it is something that will allow you to afford the things you love to do.  Say to your current self, “self, where are we going? Self, what are we doing? Self, what do we like?”

He told me to keep my eyes closed, and to picture my current self walking toward my future self.  He asked me if she looked happy.  He asked me to hang out there for a while. He told me to get to know that future self before I came back.

I was inspired inside this journey.  My eyes were open. I was ready to spring forward.

And then… my truck died.

And… I missed home.

I forgot about that inspired, future self.

I drove home on a road that crumbled beneath it.  Shattered dreams, broken hopes, fading ambition.  Whatever was left escaped, through the window that was cracked, all the way back.  I should’ve turned around, headed back, as soon as I realized what was happening.  As soon as I felt it leave me.

My new life back home, looking back 30 years later, was… empty.  I had no direction, ambition, or sense of who I was. I took on jobs that I hated, went to college with no reason for being there, and floated through relationships with no feelings.

I made decisions that changed my life in that state.  Despite my big brother’s advice at that time to “learn how to use your mind  like your own individual light saber,” I made decisions based on false emotions.

When my big brother decided to end his relationship with my big sister last year, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart.  I was devastated, for my sister, and for myself.  Those moments – the life lessons that escaped through that window on my way back home, the laughter, the memories – all flooded back to me.  They were painful.

And then… they left.

Someone I never thought wouldn’t be there for me, wasn’t there for me anymore.

Today, I met his new girlfriend.  I heard them talk about their new life.  I saw him giving advice to her son.

I had to walk away.  It was just too much.

I didn’t get far though.  I bumped right into my sister.  She asked me to go and talk to the new girlfriend.

WHAT?!?  HOW?!? WHY?!?

“Please? Do it for the kids. She wants you to like her.”

At that moment, that seemingly impossible moment, I felt like I heard these words – “She is A PERSON.”

I smiled at her.  I said something to her (I don’t even remember what I said), and… we started talking.  Laughing even.  Somehow, (with God’s help I believe), I saw her as a person.

Without realizing it, and without meaning to, my big brother taught me one last lesson.

No matter what happens in life, no matter which path you choose, it is up to you to listen to that inner voice, and to choose how you’ll see people.