I watched a documentary about a celebrity recently. She said she is searching for “a feeling that she hasn’t found yet.”

Immediately, I knew what she was searching for. I hoped that she would find it by the end of her published story.

I think that all of us, at some point in our lives, could admit that we were searching for that same feeling.

We try on so many different feelings, hoping that maybe a combination of things will stir up that one feeling we really need.

Each time, when the things that are fleeting eventually float away, we are left feeling empty.

This celebrity, unfortunately, did not value herself. The things she tried on scarred her. The people she allowed into her life abused her. Her search for that feeling took her to a depth of emptiness that she couldn’t bare.

She didn’t give up though, thankfully.

At the end of the documentary, she was looking at pictures and watching videos of her past with her sons. She had to stop watching several of them because she just “wasn’t ready” to feel the scars yet.

She asked the interviewer, “What’s next?,” as if he knew the future.

When I heard her ask that question, I pictured her standing in front of a tall brick wall, trying to see through it, hoping that she could just walk through it.

I think we have all been in front of that wall also, at some point in our lives.

It takes so much courage to take the next step that is required to begin the climb.

It is as simple as reaching up and grabbing the hand that is reaching down, but it requires faith and surrender.

Instead of reaching up, it seemed like she turned around and repeated the search for the feeling she hasn’t found yet.

The documentary ended with her sitting on her couch, crying.

If you are at the wall today, reach up. You will be met by the most loving and gentle hand that you’ve ever been held by.

As soon as you start climbing, with all of the assistance that you need, the feeling you’re searching for will flood your heart.

Your search will be over.

Have you ever wondered why you’re here? Why you were created?

I wasn’t sure that I had a purpose for being here until recently.

I was working on an assignment, an explanation of why I chose the career that I have recently begun, when I was challenged with that question.

I sat and thought about it for quite some time. Pictures of my great-grandmother’s smile, loving eyes, and kindness were swirling around in my brain. I had to hit the pause button to really ponder why these pictures would have come to mind at that moment.

She was the kindest, most gentle person I’ve ever met. Despite the heartbreak of losing the people she loved dearly, she loved others in the most powerful way. I felt it as soon as we pulled in her driveway to take her out to the market on Saturday mornings.

As I paused that moment and held one of those pictures up to clearly study it, I saw my purpose.

I don’t know if I realized it way back when I was a child, but it was clear to me in that moment… it is to love people the way that she did.

I started the assignment by writing about my great-grandmother’s character traits and how they reminded me of someone else I met when I was 22. Someone who accepted me just as I was. Someone who has never left me. Someone who has given me a purpose.

The career I have recently begun is school counseling. In my second year of being a School Counselor, I cannot count how many times I have realized that my life prepared me for the purpose-filled moments that I have experienced. I have been able to love so many the way that my great-grandmother loved me and everyone she met.

Realizing that I have been able to love others this way fills my heart and ignites a renewed purpose in me everyday.

I believe that we all have a purpose that aligns with a gift that we have been given. For me, it is a love that can’t be contained. It is seeing greatness in children and helping them to see that greatness for themselves. When their greatness is realized, their purpose ignites.

In Genesis 1:14, I read that the stars were created to be a sign. Two thousand years before they were called to be a sign to point the wise men to Jesus, they were created for that very purpose.

I believe that we all have a unique and specific purpose, just like the “lights in the expanse of the heavens.”

I recently read a chapter a day of a book that I’ve read previously. I didn’t want to miss any details, so I read each word carefully. It didn’t take long for me to notice something that I missed before… there were so many minor characters in the story that are so easily overlooked. I realized that each of these characters played a very important part of the story, and they were specifically chosen to play that part. In the first chapter, I met two of these “specifically chosen people” who were faced with the challenge of trusting a promise that was made to them. Unlike their ancestors, they did not take matters into their own hands when the promise took longer than they wanted it to. They lived without fear and they were guided by peace. Their promise was a baby that would grow up to prepare people for an even greater promise.

The next two “specifically chosen people” were faced with the challenge of understanding. The things that were asked of them were miraculous and had never happened before. They were trusted with the greatest gift of all, one that would change EVERYTHING. They were so thankful, humbled, and honored to be chosen. Through the baby that they were chosen to bring into the world, mercy and peace would be gifted to all.

Another minor character in this book was the man who provided the place that the baby would be born.

The shepherds were “specifically chosen” to see an angel who would tell them where they could find the baby.

Next, a man was told that he would not die until he saw the baby. The baby was brought to him and he confirmed everything that the other chosen people believed. This man even told the parents of the baby that their son would be killed so that salvation could take place.

Every person who met that baby that turned into a boy and then became a man was specifically chosen for that moment.

This man died for our sins. He was crucified for our sins. It was all part of the plan from the beginning of time.

There was another man who was specifically chosen to carry the cross that Jesus was crucified on.

The day Jesus died, another man who was specifically chosen took Jesus’ body down off of the cross and laid Him in a tomb.

The guard who secured and set a seal on the stone in front of the tomb was chosen for that moment.

Today, many people are celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus who gifted us with mercy, peace, and salvation when He died.

It was all part of the plan from the beginning of time, for each person who was part of the story to be specifically chosen. Just like these people, we are all faced with the challenge of trusting or understanding the promises that were made, living without fear, and being guided by peace.

Merry Christmas!

I read a story recently where a promise was made to a group of people. The promise would give them something they longed for.

Some people gave up after a while. They stopped looking for it. Their eyes were fixed on the ground. Their world became hopeless.

Other people continued looking.

One day, the promise arrived. The people who never stopped looking were able to see it! They were transformed by it, and filled with its overwhelming love.

Unfortunately, those who stopped looking were unable to see it.

This story spoke volumes to my heart. There have been times when I have given up. I was impatient and my eyes were drawn to the ground. I missed out on great things because I stopped looking.

The promise in this story that I read recently still exists.

The only way to receive it and experience it and be transformed by it is to look for it. Call out for it. Draw close to it.

Never stop LOOKING

I have this lamp in my office that swirls little styrofoam pieces around in a circular motion like a tornado. As soon as the switch is turned on, the pieces start flying around inside. When the tornado forms, the pieces follow the path of the tornado.

The kids have named the lamp “chaos.”

Recently, I turned on my own chaos lamp by choosing the wrong path again. I felt the styrofoam pieces swirling down by my feet and I ignored them. I felt the pull of the tornado as it began to push me.

I kept going.

I stayed inside the chaos for two weeks, drowning out everything that told me to stop.

The tornado became stronger and stronger with each wrong choice that I made, until I felt stuck inside of chaos.

I heard a small voice inside my head telling me that the switch of the lamp could be turned off if I would just stop doing what I knew I shouldn’t be doing.

I ignored the voice and allowed the chaos to swirl.

The tornado was pushing me so fiercely that I felt like it was stealing my ability to breathe.

Relationships in my life were falling apart.

My peace was gone and I felt alone in a dark place.

I surrendered.

The switch of the lamp was turned off by something greater than myself as soon as I surrendered.

Drenched, and covered in styrofoam pieces, I busted out of the tornado lamp called chaos.

I asked for forgiveness and the pieces instantly fell off of my clothes.

I could breathe again.

There was a light shining on the path that I left, so I jumped back onto it.

It is smooth, peaceful, and covers me in love.

This was my prayer in early June. It was a question at that point, because I wasn’t sure that I meant it.

When I received an odd phone call from a place I didn’t apply to, it started to make sense. I declined and told them it was too far away.

Something inside of me nudged me to call them back and accept it. So, I called them back and set it up.

Go for it.

TRUST.

So, I went to the interview, laughing to myself about how far away it was. Wondering if I could really move there.

Again, I felt the nudge.

TRUST.

A few days later, I received a call with a request for a second interview.

They offered me the job at the end of the interview! I accepted!

I drove around the area, saw several horses (which I love) and I had an overwhelming feeling, an unexpected love for this new place.

As soon as I got home I started looking for a house online. I also called my agent to ask her some questions about selling my house.

Within a week I put an offer on a house in my new neighborhood, and I listed my house.

The following week my house was SOLD after being on the market for only TWO days!

My offer on the new house was accepted as well!

Everything happened so fast! Everything fell into place. I trusted, and it all worked out.

Two words I wasn’t sure that I meant when I prayed that day were taken seriously.

When everything started to fall in place, I confidently shouted “Send Me!” with tears running down my cheeks.

I also yelled, “I TRUST YOU!” as I began to comprehend all of the love that God poured out over me, with the undeniable evidence in the events that took place in just two weeks.

Without a doubt, this new place is where I am supposed to be.

I am excited beyond belief!

Send Me!

I passed a weeping willow tree on my way home from work today. It took me back to the huge, beautiful, towering weeping willow tree that stood by the water at the yellow house on the river.

I loved that tree! The branches, long and flowing, were always waving a warm welcome to me as I strutted my little five year old self down toward the dock. I remember thinking that it was protecting me from the “bad guys” when I was out on that dock catching bluegills.

I met another memory of the yellow house tonight when I showed up to bowl my second week on the summer league. The bowling alley manager filled the empty spot on my team with a man who is a regular at the alley. I knew something was off about him when he wouldn’t make eye contact with me so that I could introduce myself and say hello.

We started bowling and the memories started to creep their way in. He was angry. Really angry.

When he didn’t bowl a strike, he punched his fist into the table. As the night went on, his anger greatly increased.

It didn’t take long for his anger to trigger a response in my body that I was unaware of until it overtook my mind. I realized that I was shaking, and my heart was beating really fast. When my thoughts caught up with my body’s reaction, I felt an intense fear. I wanted to run.

When he picked up the chair a few inches off the ground and then slammed it back down, I had to walk away. I felt nauseous. I thought that chair was headed toward me.

The weeping willow tree wasn’t there to protect me from whatever this man was capable of doing.

I wanted to be unassailable, invulnerable, safe, and secure.

I wanted to be stronger than the trigger that took me back to the days of my youth when I feared someone close to me. Someone who was unpredictable. Someone who reminded me of a raging bull, especially when he was drunk.

I wanted to run back to the dock and go fishing with the weeping willow tree.

The hardest part about tonight was realizing that nothing could have shielded me from this experience. I had to go through it to grow from it. I wish it hadn’t happened, because it is not easy to face, but it taught me something about myself.

I am not completely healed.

I am ok with that.

I am proud of myself for mustering up enough courage to tell the bowling alley manager about the man’s behavior, my past, and how he was affecting my ability to take part in the league. The manager, full of compassion in his eyes, firmly stated that he would not be allowed back the following week.

He took the place of the weeping willow tree for a moment tonight.

As I drove home from the bowling alley with my window down, the breeze brought me peace. It reminded me that healing is a process, and that there is hope because of an unending love that pours down from heaven.

I am so thankful for the strength that I have been given as a gift. It allows me to get back up when I get knocked down, ready to face the next unexpected trigger.

I don’t think I will ever be unassailable, but I know that I am loved by the One who is.

At the beginning of time, wisdom was beside God, assisting with, rejoicing about, and delighted by creation (Proverbs 8:22, 31). I am not a theologian, I am merely in awe of the moments that were described here. Wisdom, in these passages, has historically been interpreted as Jesus. So, I picture Jesus there, with God, while the depths, the springs, the mountains, the hills, the earth, the fields, the first dust, the heavens, the skies, the sea and its boundaries were being created. I picture Jesus smiling, clapping, and encouraging God. Again, this is just how I have interpreted Proverbs 8:22-31.

A beautiful relationship between a Father and His Son.

I wonder, as I picture this, about time. Did Jesus know, in those majestic moments, that He would have to enter the earth and die? He must have known, since He is all-knowing. Yet, He assisted, rejoiced, and delighted anyway. He trusted His Father’s plan.

If you know me well, you know that I question EVERYTHING. I have questioned things to the point where I have been called “exhausting.” I defended myself by stating that I am just a curious person, but deep down I know that it stems from mistrust and skepticism. I am pretty sure I would have been the annoying little sister in those moments with my “but why’s?” along the way, every time something new was created. As I write these words I realize that the answer would simply be, “because I love you so much.”

Hearing the “I love you so much” would make me want to stand on that fresh, newly created mountaintop and shout that to the world. I would shout it right now, to this fallen world that has chosen to dismiss His love. This fallen world that Jesus died for even though He knew that so many would forget that sacrifice.

I am trying to wrap my head around that.

In this moment I am reminded of my own dismissal of God. I turned away from God for ten years! I set Him on the shelf even though I knew what He did for me.

Amazingly, and gracefully, He waited. He silently pursued me until my ears and heart opened up so that I could hear how loud His love for me was shouting for me to return to Him.

I ran into a hug that poured so much love into me that I’ll never be the same.

I am realizing, right now, that They knew about that moment when They were creating it all at the beginning of time. Yet, They created me anyway. They knew my choices, my waywardness, and my sins, yet… They created me anyway.

Because… They love me so much.

Every time I close my eyes, I see them.

Their tiny faces are always at the front of my mind…

Their tiny faces appear every time I stare off into the distance as I sit at a red light, or when I close my eyes because the sadness feels so heavy, or when I search for answers to their questions, and the healing for their pain.

It feels like I am carrying their pain around on my back in the wilderness as I search for answers.

The world expects them to be whole.

The world is trying to force them into molds that suffocate them.

They want to be accepted and loved for who they are right now, in the midst of trudging through their storm.

They don’t understand why the world can’t see the loud, destructive storm that is tearing them apart inside.

It is so clear to them, and to those who love them, so why isn’t it clear to the ones who need to see it?

If their tiny hearts could speak I think they would yell, “CAN YOU MEET ME HERE, RIGHT WHERE I AM? THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I AM ABLE TO BE… THE ONLY PLACE I CAN BREATHE.”

I knew it would be a difficult task.

I knew I’d feel their pain.

I did not know how often I’d see their tiny faces appear, and how heavy their pain would be.

All I can do is love them, meet them where they need me to meet them, and pray quietly to myself every time I see their tiny faces appear.

I made a big mistake recently. When someone close to me asked me a question about God I gave the wrong answer.

I’ve been so torn about how to answer this particular question that I just blurted out what I felt like saying in that moment. I immediately wished I could take my words back but that was impossible.

The moment passed but God didn’t want me to let it go because my pastor spoke about the very same thing this past Sunday… the perfect balance between love and grace. https://www.facebook.com/orchardschurch/videos/226439696319417/ (message starts at 37:00).

I never thought about the fact that God sent Jonah to Nineveh because He loved the people of Nineveh. That part of the story flew right by me every time I heard it for the past 24 years! I guess the shock of someone being swallowed by a fish and being in the belly of the fish for 3 days clouded my view of the more important part of the story.

Realizing the depths of God’s love for the people of Nineveh was a revelation for me, and I reflected on my ability to see God’s love for people instead of the pending judgment for their sin.

God lovingly showed me that the answer I blurted out earlier this week lacked love and grace.

God sent Jonah to Nineveh out of love first, so that they could escape judgment.

God sent Jesus to us out of love, so that we could escape judgment.

God gracefully changed His mind about judging the people of Nineveh when they turned from their evil ways.

God gracefully changed His mind about judging us when we turn from our evil ways.

God had compassion on the people of Nineveh.

God has compassion on us.

I told this person close to me that if someone chooses a lifestyle that is outside of what is pleasing to God, then they will go to hell. I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I missed the opportunity to tell this person about how much love and grace God has for everyone.

I wish I would’ve said that God is compassionate, slow to anger, abundant in mercy (Jonah 4:2), and that He gives people opportunities to turn from their choices and turn to Him.

His love transforms people.

He is merciful.

I am reminded of the countless times that God has chosen to love me despite my choices.

God knew that I couldn’t choose the right path without His help, so he sent Jesus to die for me.

I am not usually one to create a New Year’s resolution, but this year I have decided that I need to.

I have decided that I would like to love people with God’s love and mercy in every situation.

I want to love others, and see others the way that God sees me.

Always.