People look at me funny these days. They can’t figure me out. I kinda like it. Makes me feel mysterious. I’m not hiding anything, usually. (ha ha, just kidding). The only things I hide are my thoughts, sometimes. The conversations I have with myself, healthy ones, where the thoughts make me giggle.
There was a time in my life where I relied on other people to provide my happiness. It was treacherous. Unreliable. Messy.
I was in pieces. The pieces were everywhere, with everyone. The way people treated me determined how I felt. Never whole, always fragmented.
If I were my Raggedy Ann doll, my hair would’ve been frayed, my clothes ripped, dirty, and hanging off of me. That doll would go anywhere, and do anything to be accepted.
Looking in the mirror, I was missing parts. I lent them out to people who I thought would love me. They never did.
Eventually, I stopped looking in the mirror.
I took them back. All of my pieces, frayed hair, ripped clothes, lost parts. I walked back through the moments, stood boldly, wore my newfound confidence, and… just… took them back. Amazingly, I did not experience any conflict. No one fought me.
Once everything was back in its place, I tiptoed toward the mirror. I popped my head into just the corner of the mirror, and then my whole face, neck, torso, arms, legs, feet…. It was all there. Whole.
I breathed in every piece, filled my lungs with, um, happiness? Peace? Whatever it is, it felt amazing.
Miraculously, instantly, I realized that I no longer had to rely on other people to feel true happiness.
Everything I need to be happy is inside of me.
I went on a long journey to figure this out.
The road was paved with pain, heartbreak, defeat, and suffering. Until… I surrendered.
I left it all behind.
Now, the road is paved with strength, peace, wholeness that I see in the mirror, and happiness.
True happiness that wells up and bursts out of me.
It causes me to smile more often. I used to smile out of obligation, or as a learned response. Now, I smile first, because I don’t mind if it’s not returned. I smile because it makes me feel good to smile. I like how it can transform people. It is contagious.
Sometimes, I even smile when someone looks angry, just in case it will break through their unhappiness.
I smile because I know that I won’t run out of them. An endless love flows out over me, from a creator that made me on purpose.
Unique. Just the way I am. For a specific purpose.
I haven’t figured out what the exact purpose is yet. I’m learning that everything that has happened along the way has shaped me. I’m eager to fall in to that purpose, but I am waiting patiently for clarity.
I’ll keep being mysterious. I like it.
Has a nice ring to it.