Almost daily, I am reminded of choices I made in the past. I often cringe when they jump into my mind and I have to close my eyes and ask God to take them away. Some of the flashbacks are so difficult to remember that I find myself disgusted and unworthy.

Today, I was reminded about a love that covers all of those bad choices.

The words I read brought me so much peace and comfort as they reminded me of the place I found myself in when I was running away from the very thing that could save me.

My wayward feet, my disassociated mind, and my shattered heart isolated me from the only love that could heal me.

I was not asking for healing, yet it was seeking me.

I was not calling out for anyone, yet I heard “Here I am.”

Hands full of love, peace, and comfort were reaching out for me all day long as I ran the other way, until the day I stopped running.

My ears miraculously opened and heard Your voice that was whispering my name, beckoning me to rest.

Instantly, when I stopped running and fell into Your arms, I felt like I was being lifted up and carried. Resting there, my feet were secure, my mind was clear, and my heart mended. Every shattered piece of my heart was smooth and connected to Your heart.

The flashbacks still creep in almost daily but they don’t win.

Love does.

I have seen several interactive art exhibits in my lifetime since my Mom is an artist. The one that I visualized this morning blew my mind.

I read a Scripture verse (Isaiah 49: 16) that said “I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands,” and I immediately felt a smile creep up on my face. I held back tears as I sat and visualized God’s hands with my name on them.

I remained in that moment and remembered a message I heard about The Kingdom, and my identity in The Kingdom. The speaker directed the audience to ask God what He calls them. He told us to sit in silence and listen. I did not audibly hear anything but I felt, in my spirit, the name “My Beautiful Daughter.”

Since that day, I have felt such a sense of peace when I think about that name. I am still amazed, humbled, and comforted to think that the Creator of the Universe has given me a name in His Kingdom!

So, if I were an artist and I had the talent or ability, I would create an interactive art exhibit where a huge screen with a pair of hands would be drawn. Each person who saw the hands would be able to take a pen and write their name on the palms of the hands.

Today, I realized that He has even written my name on the palms of His hands.

I would also add a directive to ask God what He calls them, so they could write their Kingdom Identity under their name.

How cool would that be?

Powerful words that I cannot take credit for, but felt so deep in my soul they brought tears to my eyes.

I watched a movie tonight, an older movie from 2012, called “The Vow” with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. I probably don’t have to worry about spoiling it for anyone now that it has been out for 12 years, right? Just in case you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and go watch it. It is a great movie!

When I heard Rachel say these words to Channing I re-played them in my mind a few times, and then I paused the movie so that I could write them down.

They brought me back to a time when I didn’t know who I was but I knew I wanted to be accepted for just being me.

I was 22 and I was a train wreck.

I am not looking for pity by admitting that. It was such a pivotal moment for me that I can actually celebrate it now.

I tried on all of the costumes that were set before me and none of them felt right.

I attempted to be who everyone wanted me to be, but the masks were too tight.

I wish I could go back and sit next to my 22-year-old self and tell her that everything was going to be ok.

I would tell her to go ahead and marry the guy and I would also tell her to go ahead and have the children.

I would tell her that those children would love her more than life itself, and that they would someday be all that she’d be living for.

I would tell her that the next 27 years wouldn’t be easy, but that she would be given strength to hold on.

I would tell her that she would hit rock bottom but that she wouldn’t be stuck there.

I would tell her that the steps she took would seem unsteady at first but eventually they would be secure. Those steps would lead her in circles for a while, but then they would someday take her to a place she dreamed about, the place she was called to.

I would tell her to stay on that path no matter how hard things became.

I realize now, looking back at my 22-year-old train wreck self, that all of those things had to happen so that all of the pieces could fall into place.

I know who I am now. I know Whose I am. I know my purpose and I am thankful for it everyday.

I don’t have to be who anyone else wants me to be.

I accept me for who I am.

I’ve met so many amazing adults and children at the horse farm down the road.

It’s an equine therapy farm for children with autism, cerebral palsy, anxiety, and depression.

The connections they make with the horses are strong and difficult to describe.

The horses are gentle, loving, and patient.

I didn’t realize how therapeutic it would be for me to help lead the horses.

One day in particular, the farm changed me.

This little blonde-haired girl , with a giggle that could light up the world, decided she was going to hold herself up on the horse ALL BY HERSELF.

Every Saturday prior to that Saturday, one person would walk on each side of her and the horse, holding her back and her leg so she would be able to balance and sit up straight on the horse.

She didn’t know that I prayed for her ankles and legs to be strong that morning before I arrived. She just knew she was ready.

We were all in tears as we watched this brave little blonde-haired girl hold herself up on the horse with a strength in her little legs that she trusted that day (and every Saturday after that!)

Her confidence grew, week after week.

One recent Saturday, she asked me to just place my hand on her back. She said it helped her legs feel stronger. In that exact moment I realized that I feel that way too, when I feel God’s loving hand on my back.

She said her legs felt “loosened.” I thought, that’s what trust feels like. I can relax in God’s hands when He holds me up.

She giggled so much she couldn’t breathe. I laughed so hard I cried. She laughed because I was crying.

On my way home that day I thanked God for strengthening her legs, and for showing me what it means to trust Him more. I thanked Him for His hand on my back, His guidance, and His love for me.

The farm is so much more than a farm.

It’s a place where miracles happen, connections are made, and hearts are changed forever. ❤️

Ruthie was tired. She woke up with her eyes half open and stumbled through the day.

Every Day.

She tried getting more sleep by going to bed earlier. She tried drinking chamomile tea before bed. She even tried taking melatonin gummies at night. Nothing worked!

One day, as she was walking to school, she bumped into something. It was soft and warm so she climbed into it. It lifted her up into the sky and she fell asleep! She slept better than she ever had before. She felt amazing when she woke up. She was placed, by the thing that she climbed into, right back on the sidewalk so she just walked the rest of the way to school.

Ruthie couldn’t stop thinking about her experience. She tried to tell her friends but they laughed at her and said she was crazy. She told her mom when she got home but she said she was worried about her and that she would be scheduling a doctor appointment for her SOON! She told her dad the following weekend but he wasn’t really paying attention to her because he was on his phone, so he just smiled and nodded.

Ruthie couldn’t wait to find that something again someday.

A week later, Ruthie’s mom told her they were moving to a new city and her dad told her he was getting married. The news zapped Ruthie and she felt exhausted again. She found herself stumbling through the days just like she was before. She had completely forgotten about that something she bumped into. She lost her joy somewhere and stopped looking for it. She started crying and couldn’t stop. Her mom scheduled an appointment with a counselor. Her dad got married. All Ruthie wanted to do was sleep through life.

One day she woke up and felt someone wiping her tears away. She couldn’t see anyone but she felt it. The same someone hugged her with more love than she’d ever felt before. Her joy seeped back in as the love rushed into her heart.

Ruthie stopped crying.

She tried to tell her friends about the hug but they laughed at her and said she was crazy. Her mom was happy for her but told her she was still concerned. Her dad, well, you know… nodded.

Ruthie searched for the something every time she felt sad and it appeared! Sometimes it was there for her to climb into and sleep when she was tired. Sometimes it wiped her tears away. Sometimes it hugged her with that same healing love hug she felt that very first time. The something never left her! Ruthie grew closer and closer to the something through her growing up years. She stopped telling people about it. It was her secret. It helped her heal from her parent’s divorce, her move to a new city, and her dad’s new marriage. It even helped her focus at school! She never let go of her something and it never let go of her either.

If you ever feel extremely tired or overwhelmingly sad, seek out your something. I believe you will stumble right into it. It will help you through life just like it did with Ruthie.

For me, that something was God. I pictured Him there with me as I scrolled through my past. True healing began when I realized He was there with me, holding me when life was exhausting me. He was the One who was wiping my tears and hugging me with His enormous love.

The waves were pushing us close to the dock and I was afraid the boat would slam into it. I told my daughters I had to put the anchor out but I wasn’t able to reverse quickly enough. We hit the shore.

No damage was done, thankfully, but it was scary!

Now I realize how important it is to be aware and prepared for every possible situation.

I also made a connection between the boat anchor and my life anchor.

When I was younger, I was lost. My daily decisions were based on a hunger to be accepted and loved. I was the boat headed toward the shore, unprepared.

Once we untangled ourselves from the tree on the shoreline, and the weeds, we found a great place to throw the anchor in. My daughters pretended they were on the bow of the Titanic. They danced, laughed, and captured our smiles on camera.

I pulled on the rope attached to the anchor a few times just to make sure it was secure.

Again, I realized that the anchor of my life is always secure. I just have to remember to remain connected to it.

Hebrews 6:19 says that we have a hope in Jesus that is an anchor to our soul.

When I was going through my divorce I untied the anchor and threw the rope in the water. I thought I’d be better off without God.

Ten years later, as I felt like I had slammed into the shore, my life sinking, it felt like God reached down to the bottom of the lake and gently handed me the rope. I accepted His grace, His love, and His forgiveness.

My soul has been re-anchored!

I am so thankful for a God, as my anchor, who will never let me go.

The first world I knew.  Protected, nourished, loved.

She was chosen to carry me.

The details were not accidentally aligned.

Her strength was passed down to me, her courage flows through my veins.

The situation we were in was not ideal but her love for me allowed us to conquer the evils that attempted to devour us.

We fought a lot as I grew up and we often didn’t see eye to eye.

There were moments when I felt like walking away. There were moments that I did.

She loved me anyway.

I ran back into her open arms more times than I can count.

She never judged me, and she was always happy to see me.

I asked her once if she was ashamed of me because of my biggest mistakes and she asked me in the most honest and sincere way, “Why would I be?”

Those words kept me moving forward despite my worst decisions.

My Mom has shown me unconditional love, always.

Her love allowed me to receive and accept another LOVE that was offered to me long ago.

She is humble, kind, giving, wise, and strong.

I am so thankful for her!

I know that God chose her to be my Mom because He knew exactly who I’d need to raise me.

He knew I’d need the exact amount of love, kindness, and strength that she provided.

He knit me together in her womb, on purpose, for a purpose.

Her love for me will never cease, nor will mine for her.

She also taught me how to love my own children unconditionally.

As I get older, I realize that the ability to see beyond our circumstances, beyond the struggles, and to carry each other to the finish line, is a gift.

Thank you, Mom, for accepting the challenge of carrying me, raising me, and loving me unconditionally!

I’ve been part of so many conversations where the words “I just haven’t had that kind of experience. When I do, then I’ll believe.”

I always get a little bit discouraged when I hear that because I never know how to respond.

Recently, I realized that in order to be a part of that experience there must be an invitation.

I believe that having free will requires us to extend an invitation to God.

I believe that God will not enter where He has not been invited.

His love for us allows us to have free will.

His love for us allows us to be honest with Him.

I remember the day I fell on my knees and broke down crying out of a disgust for my life.

I remember begging God to help me. That’s what my invitation looked like.

I believe every invitation is unique.

The invitation will be life-changing.

The invitation will hand over the key to your heart to the One who created your heart.

God’s love will rush in, burst in, because He has been waiting eagerly to be invited in.

His love will wash away things that torment you.

He will invite you to lay down all of your troubles at His feet.

He will offer to take them from you.

He will never leave you!

So, if you have ever said that you just haven’t experienced God yet, I encourage you to offer Him an invitation.

Be ready to sit down and watch a new life unfold and then play out in front of you like the best movie you’ve ever seen 🙂

I watched a documentary about a celebrity recently. She said she is searching for “a feeling that she hasn’t found yet.”

Immediately, I knew what she was searching for. I hoped that she would find it by the end of her published story.

I think that all of us, at some point in our lives, could admit that we were searching for that same feeling.

We try on so many different feelings, hoping that maybe a combination of things will stir up that one feeling we really need.

Each time, when the things that are fleeting eventually float away, we are left feeling empty.

This celebrity, unfortunately, did not value herself. The things she tried on scarred her. The people she allowed into her life abused her. Her search for that feeling took her to a depth of emptiness that she couldn’t bare.

She didn’t give up though, thankfully.

At the end of the documentary, she was looking at pictures and watching videos of her past with her sons. She had to stop watching several of them because she just “wasn’t ready” to feel the scars yet.

She asked the interviewer, “What’s next?,” as if he knew the future.

When I heard her ask that question, I pictured her standing in front of a tall brick wall, trying to see through it, hoping that she could just walk through it.

I think we have all been in front of that wall also, at some point in our lives.

It takes so much courage to take the next step that is required to begin the climb.

It is as simple as reaching up and grabbing the hand that is reaching down, but it requires faith and surrender.

Instead of reaching up, it seemed like she turned around and repeated the search for the feeling she hasn’t found yet.

The documentary ended with her sitting on her couch, crying.

If you are at the wall today, reach up. You will be met by the most loving and gentle hand that you’ve ever been held by.

As soon as you start climbing, with all of the assistance that you need, the feeling you’re searching for will flood your heart.

Your search will be over.