Recently, I looked in the mirror and saw myself fourteen years ago, during the worst years of my marriage.
At first, I thought it was someone else. I didn’t recognize the me that I was during that timeframe. In my mind, previous to that moment, I was the victim. Innocent.
Lovingly, the mirror revealed to me that I was NOT innocent, and I was NOT the only victim.
I saw myself, in the mirror, holding a bow, shooting arrows. Every time I spoke, the bow would release an arrow. Every time I spoke, the arrow pierced him. The arrows had letters on them. The letters formed these words as they entered his body:
The mirror continued to reveal my former, married self, to me.
I was building a wall, made of bricks, in the mirror.
Each brick was labeled:
“DO NOT FORGIVE”
“HOLD ON TO ANGER”
Brick upon brick upon brick, placed between us, until the wall was complete, and the marriage was over.
It was easier to portray myself as the victim, and pretend that I was innocent, whenever anyone asked me what happened. I never had to tell the whole story, the arrows, the bricks, the destruction. Pity accumulated, and victim became my identity.
Until I looked in that mirror recently.
As soon as I saw who I truly was, I told him. As soon as I told him, he agreed with me.
Miraculously, as soon as I told him, I was freed from it all.
The weight of every brick was lifted from me.
The arrows, gone.
Something else happened in that moment…
He said that even though I did my part to chase him away, his actions were not justified.
I didn’t realize how much power those words held.
“I’M SORRY FOR WHAT I DID”
I walked back to the mirror.
I looked different.
Free of the arrows, the bricks, the anger, the bitterness, the hate, and most importantly – the victim identity.
I owned my part.
I saw myself.
I wore a new identity: