Last night, in a faded, subconscious state, it visited me. Taunted me. Threatened me.
No one knows about it. I’ve kept it a secret.
I’m ashamed of what I did. I know I’m forgiven, so why does it still have power?
It only comes back when I’m sleeping. When I’m powerless. When it’s dark and I’m exhausted.
I wake up, and tell it to leave. It laughs, fades, comes back, keeps me awake, leaves, laughs, fades, and comes back again.
I dislike Halloween. For this reason. The reminders are triggers hanging from trees. Everywhere.
Last night was a night that I wrestled with it incessantly.
I look forward to a day when I’m free from it, even at night.
I know it isn’t winning. There are more nights that it doesn’t appear then there are that it does. So that’s a win for me, in my eyes.
The lesson here is, for you, if you’re ever on the brink of doing something you know is beyond wrong, don’t do it. Sometimes, even though you’ll be forgiven, the images of what you did will still visit you. Maybe. Hopefully not, but it’s not worth the risk.