Vanished…

I watched “Eat, Pray, Love” with Julia Roberts last night. Ok, not with Julia Roberts! I do think it would be cool to hang out with her though!

I read the book several years ago, but I never watched the movie. Sometimes when I’ve read the book, I don’t want the movie to spoil it. Watching the movie last night, with myself, reminded me of how great the book is!

I used to be able to relate to so many of the things the main character, Elizabeth Gilbert, discovered about herself.

“I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my #!#, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my
dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family.”

She realized that she became who she was dating. That other person became her identity. She was never Elizabeth, “the one who wanted to help everybody.” She only identified herself with the person she was married to, or the person she was dating.

Similar to an empty vase that became the flowers that filled it. When it was empty, without flowers, it didn’t realize it was still beautiful with a purpose.

She was on a journey to find out who she was.

She had to vanish and re-emerge in order to become who she wanted to be.

I like how she described it:

“the same way a cartoon circus performer dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, vanishing completely.”

In that moment, hearing that word vanish, I realized that’s what I did. The old me had to leave completely to become the new me.

It is such a powerful thing, to leave it all behind. To want to be more than you’ve ever been.

At this point in my life, I must acknowledge that I couldn’t have vanished on my own. I took the hand of One who offered to help me let go of who I was. I had to TRUST (and that’s extremely difficult for me to do!) that He would be with me every step of the way.

Looking back, at that moment, I see my old self melting into God’s hands. He formed me all over again to be who I am now.

The beauty in that image is that He didn’t toss out the memories and the toughest moments. They’re all still part of me. Pillars of strength.

It is a process, the vanishing and becoming new. Falling back into who I was when I’m weak. Allowing negative thoughts to consume me sometimes.

I’ll never regret letting go.