Old journal

My daughter found my old journal.  Dates back to 2004.  I read every single page as if it were written by someone else.

It must have been written by someone else, because the person who wrote it is not me.

The struggle that she went through, daily, was not the way I remember it.

She was so frustrated with herself, for her anger, for her bitterness, and for the harsh words that she spoke.

As I read the words that this alter person wrote, I felt like I took a ride on that roller coaster again.  The one that I never wanted to know existed.

As I read, I kept thinking that I wish I had burned that journal.  If it no longer existed, I wouldn’t be re-experiencing the struggle.

I didn’t burn it though.  I kept it.

For some reason, I needed to read it all over again.  Today.

I needed to see that I am similar to who I was.

I had hope then, that it would all work out.

I prayed, hard, for a miracle.

Somewhere in the last year or so, I realized that I was mad at God for not answering my prayers the way I wanted them to be answered.  I realized that in that anger, I left God.  I knew that when I left God, my life spiraled even further out of control than it had when I was married, praying for a miracle.

I realized that when I returned to God, it was as if I never left.  That’s the miracle.

I walked away, but God did not let go.

The journal confirmed that for me.  On the first page, I wrote this:

“We are like the waves that crash down on each other, tossing to and fro, trying to break through our own boundaries. We think we are smarter than the boundary. We think our power is greater than our own boundaries.  I love watching the waves crash into the water as they come closer and closer to the shore.  No matter how big they seem, out there, they always seem to give up before they hit the shore. We are like the waves, out at sea, destructive, fierce, and full of a power that we feed.   Our power (sin) breaks boundaries that were placed to protect us. God’s love is like the shore.  He allows us to wreak havoc on ourselves, yet, He loves us too much to let our sin overtake the shore. He won’t let go, no matter what.  When we stop, and see His beauty, we see a life that is full of depth and beauty.  In his protective boundaries, there is a beauty that we cannot create. When the waves reach the shore, the power becomes peace. There is calm. He carries us.”

I heard myself again, in those first words. That is how I knew that it was the me before the storm.  Someone with the hope that I have again.

I am so thankful that God did not let go, and that He allowed this journal to show me who I was before, and how much I relied on Him.

I know there is much more to learn, and that the lessons are endless.

I’m thankful for a God who I can trust, and for the hard lessons that I’ve learned so far.

I’m ready to trust Him again.  To accept His answers, and not expect them to match my own.

I know His embrace is much more valuable than anything this world has to offer.

I never want to experience letting go again.

Life is so scary without the creator of the waves to carry me to the calm shore.

Life without God is Life without peace.