I lost sight of who he was, when we weren’t getting along.
I forgot about the moment I held him for the first time. When my heart swelled so much I felt the pain from it’s growth.
I forgot about the moment I’m most ashamed to admit… that I forgot to buckle his car seat to the backseat. I took a sharp turn and he flipped over. The heart that grew in the previous sentence actually stopped until I saw his face. His eyes were so huge! We were both shocked that it actually happened. Thank God he was ok!
I forgot about his first steps, his first word, his first two-wheeled bike, his first day of school…
It seemed like he forgot about all of those sweet moments as well.
We became… strangers.
Behind the curtain, I was always his biggest fan. The heart that grew was still his fault, and would always belong to him because of it.
He didn’t know that though. He interpreted my strict, loving ways, as disappointment. He wanted me to see him as that baby flipped over in the car seat, unaware of what would happen next. Needing me to rescue him.
He wanted to be angry, about life, and he chose me as his target.
If I could go back, I’d yell to myself to move the bullseye. I wish I could’ve seen the arrows as the fears that they actually were. I would’ve held them. I would’ve held him. He wouldn’t have been so lost. He wouldn’t have lost me.
Now that he’s away, it seems he’s able to see behind the curtain.
He knows I love him even more than I did that first day.
“He found a mother he loves and appreciates,” as my wise Aunt Jan told me today.
That mom found him too. Right where he left her, full of so much love for him that neither of them will ever get lost again.