I listened to a song yesterday that broke me.
The words I heard settled on my heart, but my heart couldn’t handle their intensity.
“I am not against you.”
My immediate thought, revelation, was that I wasn’t familiar with this feeling. It was unknown to me.
I’ve fought back tears created by the pain of people being against me. People close to me. The ones who were supposed to be for me.
The chorus played again… “I’m not against you.”
Images of clenched teeth yelling in my face, fingers pointed at my nose. Red, angry, fury-filled faces screaming at me. A phone thrown across the room in my direction. The cord that was the perfect length to hit the ground next to my feet. I just stared at it. For hours. The tears burned.
Against me. This person is against me. I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve to be loved.
Unanswered calls. Strange phone numbers in the car. Unknown numbers calling me, women laughing on the other end. Words appeared on the steamed up mirror. I didn’t write them.
The lyrics continued. “I will not forsake you.”
I’m being called to trust. Trust the unknown.
Rest. Forgive. Let go.
I feel an embrace.
The pain, the anger, the fear… fall away. They’re not mine.
“I chose you. I am for you. You are worthy.”
The words took me back, to take me forward.
I accept who I am. Loved.