Went for a drive today

I had time to kill today, so I went for a drive.  I drove out to the world I once knew just to see if it remained the same.  I wasn’t longing to be a part of it, I know it wasn’t meant to be, I just wanted to see it. I wanted to make sure it was still there.

I took it all in, reflected on it, and kept driving. It was so good for me to relive a few precious moments and filter out the not so great moments.  I felt alive while I drove, window down to feel the crisp breeze, music up.  I found a new happy place, driving in my Jeep, reliving happy memories.

I wish I had cherished the precious times a little more. Bottled them up.  Froze them.

On my way back I reflected on life.  Where I am right now, what I have going on… I just needed a moment to get away and think about it all.

Some things have happened recently that made me look in the mirror and examine myself.

My Mom and I talked on the phone today, right before my drive.  I mentioned to her that I find myself getting overwhelmed and fighting the “survival mode” that I lived in for so long.  I have finally moved beyond that mode, and I don’t want to go back.

My little sister said something to me this week that made a lot of sense… she said “we weren’t designed to be live in quarantine.”

I think the survival mode that I have been fighting is a different kind, and I should just let it sneak back in.  I keep expecting myself to float above it, but this life we are in is unlike anything we have ever experienced.

My drive today allowed me to just think.  To remember. To relive the memories that were frozen. To let them go until the next time I wanted to allow myself to feel them again.