I missed out, on the life that I longed for, because I was in a hurry to live the life that I thought might pass me by.
I remember telling people that I just had to be married before I turned twenty five, or else… I’d turn into a pumpkin.
The lonely pumpkin left in the patch.
Seems ridiculous now. Because it was!
I wish I could’ve taken that trip to the future, with Ebenezer Scrooge. Some things I wouldn’t change, because they make me who I am today. I would just tell the narrator to let those things stay, and weave the lesson into the story.
The main thing I would change, if I could, is my mindset. My hurry.
I’ve always been in a hurry. I’ve always wanted to experience the most of whatever it is that is happening. I don’t want to miss something great by choosing to do something not as great. So, I’ve placed pieces of myself (hardly ever being completely anywhere) in the places where I’ve felt were great. Instead of being completely in one place, and experiencing it fully, I’ve hazardously bounced around like Tigger (but maybe not quite that jolly).
In my race to be married before the ripe old age of twenty five, I raced into something I didn’t completely think through. I didn’t think about the masters degree I would never get, or the person I didn’t know well enough to know what the future would hold. I didn’t think about how my kids would survive a me that didn’t think it through. Ultimately, I didn’t think at all. I just felt like I’d miss out if I didn’t just hurry.
If you’ve read this far, you might be asking yourself , “why is she writing about this AGAIN?”
Well, I’ll tell you…
Recently, I spent time with two people who fell in love in college. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime. The kind of love I wish I had, just once.
I’m not jealous though, not in an unhealthy way. I am sincerely happy for them. They deserve every ounce of love that pours out over, or pours out into, each other. They have weathered the storms, and their love for each other has remained strong.
It was refreshing to see that there are people who still believe in the kind of love where your person makes you a better person. The kind of love where two people can affect the world MORE together.
They have learned to grow in ways that the other person needed them to. One saw that the hardships of life had the ability to take away a part of who the other once was, but still held on to the hope that it would come back someday.
The best part is that their love would be just as strong, even if that stolen part never returned, because that is just how strong this love is.
It grows with them, even when they change. It increases in the tough times, and chooses not to decrease. Ever.
After spending time with these two people, I have been inspired. Again.
I wonder if God allowed me to spend time there to show me this lesson. I wonder if He wanted me to see that He loves me this same way. I wonder if He wanted me to see that through all of life’s ups and downs, and all of the times I pushed Him away, He still loves me.
I believe that He loves me just as much as He did the day He was creating me. Some days it is nearly impossible to imagine a smile on His face, since He could see my whole life in that moment. My hurried life.
I feel it though, that amazing love, when I am not in a hurry.
When I stop, sit quietly, and listen… I hear that immense love.
My heart fills up, and my peace returns.
Go slow. Listen. Think it through.
Just be who I was created to be – full of a love that is immeasurable.
An amazing love, that is not in a hurry.
Slowly, it never runs out.