just gonna write tonight

My thoughts are all over the place, and a bit messy.  So, tonight I’m just gonna write.  I am not going to think or plan or edit.  Just gonna write. Sometimes its the only way I can clear my head and get things straight.

I’ve been watching too much TV.  Great shows (This is Us, I binged watched all seasons and am all caught up, and Parenthood, season 2, not binge watching). It’s been therapeutic.  I’ve been able to relate to every character in one way or another.  The writers of these shows have a unique ability to see inside my soul and dig out memories, feelings, and raw emotions that I didn’t even know were there.  Some days it was a volcano eruption of tears that were stuck inside my soul.  I thought the volcano, those memories, were dormant. Sleeping.  Hidden.  Under the rug.  Nope. They bubbled up and exploded.  The cool thing was that once they were out, felt again, they were out.  Exposed.  And this new part of me, the part that wanted to deal with the raw emotions that dripped down my cheeks in the form of heavy tears that held heavy memories, was ok with that.  Dealing with it.  I didn’t shove it all back down.  I grabbed the rug and threw it away! No more sweeping.  Memories fly up, emotions stormed in, and it was ok.  I can handle this.  I need to.

When I wasn’t watching TV, I was at urgent care.  Oldest daughter – sprained ankle. Walking cast for 3 weeks.  She also bought her first car (the next day), with her own money.  Back to urgent care for my son who was wrestling a towel away from his buddy, (the towel happened to be wrapped around my son’s finger when it was yanked away), and *snap* his finger is fractured. Left hand, ring finger.  So he can still go to school and work.  Hopefully it will be healed in time to try out for the basketball team.  Something he has been dreaming of doing for a very long time.  Trying out and making the team.  I believe he can.  He’s determined and he practices everyday.

I received a call from my oldest son at boot camp.  I felt like I was dreaming.  He told us he will be stationed state side for the next 3 years.  Not deployed.  Definitely a dream. Prayers that my heart prayed without my mind formulating them.  Pretty cool.  He told me that the lacrosse balls he asked for came in handy.  Not for massaging his back though, as they were intended for when the request was made.  No.  He sold them! The lacrosse balls that I bought extra of, and shipped them with clear instructions to share them or give them to someone who needs them… sold.  Well, it was great to hear his voice.  He’s not who he was when he left, that is for sure.  And I’m ok with that. I can’t wait to meet him.  The new version.  I always knew he was capable of great things.  I just didn’t know how great.  I am so very proud of him.  16 days until I see him!

My struggle right now is this feeling of being alone.  I don’t want to call it loneliness because I don’t think it qualifies as loneliness.  Just alone.  I think I’ve come to terms with it, but yesterday, it won.  I was so angry I broke a plate.  I think I actually wanted it to break because when it did, I wasn’t even mad.  It kind of felt like a victory.  Strange I know.  My thought in that broken plate moment was, “huh, that was one of the last plates from my marriage. It lasted a long time.  Way to go little plate, I hope you enjoyed your days as the whole plate that you were.” I also enjoyed throwing it away.  All three pieces of it. Before the alone feeling took over I was draining pasta in my glass pot, a hand me down pot that someone gave me when I got divorced.  The pasta was in the strainer and I clinked the strainer into the glass pot, to force the water from the pasta.  The pot broke.  I wasn’t mad.  My kids said, “what did you think was going to happen when you were slamming them together???”  I laughed, and enjoyed throwing it away.  It was my popcorn pot too though, so I was a little sad.

My mom is on vacation.  I wonder if that is why my kids are fracturing and spraining bones and muscles.  It must be related.  She is not allowed to leave, ever again.

Oh, my youngest daughter grew a few inches taller, and has braces.  On her teeth. She is growing up way too fast.

I keep seeing them 10 years from now.  in my mind.  A recurring thought I suppose, or image. I know it goes by fast and I can’t stop it.  So I’m just watching it.

I have this strange feeling that I’m on a train. Not the fancy train with seats and tables and big hats and poofy dresses, but the box car train. Instead of landscape scenes I’m watching my life. My current life, a few seconds later. I’m not sure if it’s old age, or if I’m just a little bit disconnected at the moment, but I’m not in it the way I know I have been before. I’m in watching mode. Still close enough to be there but not inside.

If I jump out of the box car I’d be missing out. If I join them I might miss out too. There are so many things happening that I feel like the best way to see it all is from a few seconds back. For now.